Cookie Lawyer


Text with Mr Mittens / Sarah H 2021/04/18

Pearl Pony has been referencing you a lot-- she's threatened to call "her lawyer" several times this weekend. Do you know anything about cookie law? She's confident that you do.

Yeah, Cookies Cakes and Trifles, that's my specialty

Pastries used to be out of my jurisdiction but there was a tart reform so that's fair game as well

And if it's about crackers I can fudge it (see Keebler vs the United States of America, 1987)

Perfect she knew you could do it

You got a big settlement for those elves if I recall

Not only was justice served but I was served (my standard 10% plus expenses)

Nice, Keebler has big pockets

Yeah, surprisingly deep pockets for such a little guy

I wasn't going to take the case but someone told me all success starts with elf control. And now look at me, I'm America's top cookie lawyer!

It's true but those elves deserved appropriate safety railings and overtime pay. You can't work in a tree all hours and not get a little woozy, fall and land in the irregular cookie pile

That's why I spearheaded a big Elf Awareness project in the workplace. "Look out for your elf" and so on. Elf respect.

You also made a killing off that people vs Sara Lee case. Some people don't like her and that's totally not slander

Sara Lee, to be quite frank, is one of the least liked figures in the industry. After Twinkie the Kid

Twinkie is just a violent gun toting psychopath- horrible boss to work for

Now little Debbie- there's a decent boss. Her gingham initiative saved countless lives


I'm sorry, I drifted into reverie for a sec

Debbie is a saint

Debolyn and I actually have a bit of history

Whoa do tell

I was the guy that came up with Zebra Cakes! We were on a holiday in Tangiers (technically a bender) and she had a vision about Mongoose Cakes, I said Debbie, no.

1. The Drakes Cakes team is VERY litigious, anything "goose" is a no-go. 2. What the hell color is a mongoose anyway?

Oh, I remember that summer. It was you, Little Debbie, and William Burroughs.

How can you sell a snack cake based on an animal whose only claim to fame is 50/50 odds against a cobra? It's neither confident nor wholesome

Burroughs was ready to shoot the Drakes lawyer

I said Billy, no.

It's a good thing you were there with a cooler head and a degree in cake/cookie law. And once the mescaline wore off Debbie and William agreed

I was like boom, Zebra Cakes. Then we decided to pitch Billy to General Mills as a cereal mascot, and boom, Cookie Crisp

Million dollar summer

Burroughs wrote his less popular "Naked Breakfast" based on that summer

Debbie bought up every copy she could and threw them all in the strait of Gibraltar.

She's a class act.

Personally I didn't care for his description of me, I mean I'm more than just "a sex slime". But Debbie got it worse, she got nary a single word about her

They never spoke again and Burroughs became a Table Talk Pie man.

I saw him recently, he's looking better than ever. Strong, handsome, no more of those stupid suits of his. Seems like he really turned his life around

Is he still writing ad copy for Nestle?

Yeah, Nestle, Kraft, all the big boys. When he's clean he's the best in the game but otherwise it's just "Maxwell House... good till the exploding horse, spiralling into unbeing, a cruel shadow, the hotel manager"

Yeah he tanked that Maxwell House campaign

I mean he just needs an editor, really, no shame there. That'd be a good gig for you actually, make some of that Maxwell money

I could finally tell my old high school friends that I made the "big time"

They'll be like "I bet she thinks she's better than us" and you can just yell YUUUP from the sunroof.

Burroughs driving, doing donuts on the high school lawn, teachers crying and puking, that's the Maxwell House moment

written over SMS with Sarah Heggan

links / misc

  • FANG Community Bail Fund: [gofundme]

  • The friends and family of free jazz pioneer Milford Graves are raising money for a memorial fund to take care of his estate and continue his community work, read more about it here: [gofundme].

  • Emily S sent out a link to this fundraiser, trying to keep Baltimore homes safe from an impending tax sale, which is a predatory process of tax enforcement. You can read about it here: [instagram] and donate here: [link]

  • I got a lot of responses to the questionnaire last week and they are all extremely fun to read. Sometime in the next couple weeks I'm going to start collating them and dripping out the responses, grouped by question, but there's still plenty of time to fill it out and send it in. You don't have to answer every question. It's right here: [Fujichia]

  • If this isn't enough writing from me for this week, here's an article I wrote for a website a few years ago about Earth Day, which is happening this Thursday the 22nd. [link]